Sonia Faleiro

As a boy, Pankaj Sharma realised he preferred being a woman. He paid for his ‘deviance’ when his father disowned him. Giving up was not in his script. So he ran away to Mumbai to reinvent himself. Today, he is Bobby Darling, the actor who redefines gender anew in a conservative industry, writes Sonia Faleiro.

Bobby Darling totters down the road in transparent block heels embroidered with pink flowers, denim hipsters, and a black lace shirt. One long white finger is crowned with a diamond, on another, a moonstone catches the light. His glossy brown hair switch, 12 o’ clock shadow, and a hint of cleavage induced by hormone pills he started taking five months ago, encourage a group of little boys to feign a drunken stagger: “Bobby Darling, oh Bobby Darling!” Another crowd of children, can’t get enough of the actor. “Bobby Darling!” they sigh, cuddling him. Bobby Darling appears impervious to the first reaction, and at the second, smiles, tosses his hair, wiggles a manicured finger: “Go wash your hands, first.”

Bobby Darling — with seven film releases in 2005-06, and roles in three TV serials; Kavyanjali, Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin and Yeh Dil Chahe More — was once Pankaj Sharma, a middle-class boy of considerable confusion, who ran away in 1998 from his three-storeyed home in Delhi’s Shalimar Bagh because he took the words of a celebrated conundrum to heart. “I read an interview in which Rekha said, ‘If you’re famous, people love you for being famous. They don’t care about your personal life,’” recalls Darling. “That got concreted (sic) in my head. I decided to become an actor.”

Sharma, the second of three children of an English professor and a bank manager, grew up in a conservative environment, given everything but the freedom to be himself. “I was a repressed child. I knew very little, I barely spoke. I only played with girls.”

In the eighth grade, he realised he preferred male attention to female. He played with lipsticks, saris and bras from his mother’s closet. “I was so chikna. Guys would touch my cheeks,” he giggles. In the 12th grade, he had his first serious relationship, with a classmate. Sharma’s parents frog-marched him to a sexologist, a psychiatrist, the temple. There were tearful exchanges, and his father, whom Sharma describes as possessing a legendary temper, tried to beat what he saw as deviance out of him. “I didn’t blame my parents. It’s god’s fault I’m trapped in the wrong body,” he says.

Realising he would fail his final exams, Sharma ran away with his boyfriend. “My father had already beaten me so much, I knew he would kill me. How could the son of a university professor fail?” The happy couple travelled to the Far East and Europe, doing odd jobs. “It was full excitement!” Darling says. Two years later, his father called to say his mother was dying of kidney failure, that she’d asked her favourite child to return. Sharma sat by his mother's bedside as she painfully let go. Four days later, his boyfriend broke up with him on the phone, “I have responsibilities towards my family,” he mumbled, hanging up.

Sharma walked to the bathroom, unscrewed a bottle of Phenyl and poured its contents down his throat. If his father hadn’t returned early from work, Bobby Darling wouldn’t have been born. He shrugs, “Chot khaya insaan ko zyada akal aati hai, seekh milti hai zindagi se. (A hurt person learns more in life.)” A pause, then he sings in a thin, melodious voice “Jaane kya baat hai, jaane kya baat hai. Neend nahin … (What’s the matter? Sleep isn’t coming...) I would sing this song every night, it made me cry.”

After his mother’s death, Sharma attempted to placate his father by joining Khalsa College. It didn't work. His father informed him, through a lawyer and a newspaper notice, that he was being disowned. Sharma quit college, and with Rs 10,000, took a train to Bombay Central. He spent a fortnight at the station, sleeping on stairs, exchanging stories with strugglers, who had, like him, left behind a life chosen for them, hoping to be resurrected to a life they had dreamt of. He was invited to live with four girls, who worked in a dance bar in Malad. “They told me of a gay guy who earned a lot by dancing, and suggested I try it,” he says. “I agreed, and earned Rs 170 on my first night. Mujhe aage jaane ka sahara mil gaya. (It helped me go ahead).”

For two years, daily, at 11 am, Sharma, portfolio in hand, would join the snaking queues outside film and TV studios. He wouldn’t eat until he returned home at 5 pm. “I would feel sleepy if I ate breakfast,” he says nonchalantly. He couldn’t eat much even after 5 p.m, because it affected his performance in the bar where he remained from 9.30 pm to 1.30 am.

The early years were humiliating. Actor Makarand Deshpande laughed him out of the room. Catcalls and slurs shrouded his every move. But getting disheartened wasn’t part of his script. He reinvented himself, became more feminine with darkened lip-liner, lightened hair. “Jab tak dikhoge nahin, bikoge kaise?” he asks. (“If you don’t look good, how will you sell?”)

Gradually, he was offered small roles in Taal, Style, Na Tum Jaano Na Hum, Sohail Khan’s debut film Maine Dil Tujko Diya. “That’s when I met Salman, and he loved me,” says Darling. “I’m a part of his family now. Any problem, I can call them. But as long as I can talk directly to God, I won’t. God’s given them what they have, so why can’t he give it to me? I’m also created by him.”

As Darling’s roles accrue — Page 3 and Santosh Sivan’s Navrasa —the laughter grows mute. But there is no bitterness; he is too astute to let the past tarnish his present. “It's childish to remind people how they treated me before I was famous,” he says. “They called me gur (jaggery, Mumbai slang for gay), now its Bobby Darling. Not Bobby. I showed them through work what I’m worth.”

Bobby was Sharma’s pet name. One of his directors, Lawrence D’Souza, suggested Bobby Jaan. Other options: Bobby Sexy, Bobby Chikna, Bobby Hot. He liked Darling — he believed he was one. “Once, N. Chandra asked my name, I said, Bobby Darling! He replied, ‘What a name! I’ll take you in my next film. You have a spark!.”

How did the skinny boy with the painted face achieve success where unaccountable others failed? How did he become, like his hero Rekha, spoken of and sought after? For his foppish behaviour and as a fixture on page 3, Darling has a reputation that little reflects his ingenuity. He earned enough to buy a MHADA apartment for Rs 4.5 lakh while working in a dance bar. “I travel by rickshaw. But in Mumbai you must have your own house.” He plans to rent out his two one-bedroom apartments in Oshiwara, and buy himself a large one. The hunger to succeed is palpable. He says it is in memoriam to his mother. At parties, he charms directors, “Sir, when are you asking me for my dates?” He follows up with daily SMSs. “Hi Ramuji, (Ramgopal Varma), I have a desire to work with you, please fulfill my wish... Thanks. Bobby Darling.”

Bobby Darling likes to sit by the sea. He visits the Siddhivinayak temple, and fasts every Thursday. He speaks to his father every night; they reconciled after Darling became famous. He jokes about wanting a lover, desperately, then sighs he would rather be alone. “My shadow is my best friend,” he says. He lives in a small apartment, and cooks khichdi and meetha dahi to eat while watching a DVD, when there isn’t a party to attend. He wonders at the confusion in men. Heterosexuals, he says, mock him during the day, but at night, follow his rickshaw, hungrily.

But there is no confusion in Bobby Darling, actor, the man who will be a woman. “After two years people will probably tire of me,” he says. “I’ve made plans for that. I’ll complete my sex operation, and settle abroad. I’ll work as a make up artist and a stylist. I’ll do pole dancing and live shows.” He pauses, gesticulates from his head to his toes. “Kabhi mujhe lagta hai, main sanyaas leloon. Yeh artificial choga jo maine pehna hai, wig, make-up, kapda, kai baar mein en cheezon se mukti chahti hoon. (I’ve often felt like renouncing this artificial get-up. I long for freedom from it all.”)

Tehelka, December 03, '05. Photos: Sanjiv Valsan.

Labels: Profiles

Thanks for sharing this pleasant piece - more beautiful writing from a great talent - you are spoiling us with these wonderful stories, one after another! You must work non-stop, but rest assured that the work is appreciated.

Yes, I agree - your stories are wonderful. "Nicely written" would be an understatement. :)

Outstanding!

Nice reporting and what a story! Good for Bobby Darling!

Truly an excellent piece. Wonderfully written.

Heh, nice piece! You're a good writer Ms Faleiro.

Wow. Great post there.

BTW, there is some not-so-good popup on your blog...not sure if it's the result of some ad or counter etc. Crashed my browser on my last visit.

Krishna

Wonderful article, as ever - I love your writing. In fact, your talent makes me rather green. Oh well, life isn't really fair, is it!

Shikha

From Delhi to Mumbai. Macho Amitabh did it in the sixties. Metrosexual Shahrukh did it in the eighties and now it is gender bender Bobby. The times they are a changin'.... for the better I must say. A very nice post Sonia.

Thank you, all. I enjoyed doing this interview.
I thought Darling would be flaky, but he astonished me by how smart, ambitious, and aware he is.
I always knew he was a hero, of course; which is why I profiled him. Imagine, this is one guy, out of tens of thousands who has managed to become a star. This is significant. Throw in the fact of his sexuality, and our own inability to be comfortable with anyting other than the conventional, and his achievement is magnified. And of course, he had no one to help him along the way. Neither family, nor friends, let alone a Godfather.
So good for him. I hope he does really well, and that he gets a chance to reach his full potential as an actor.

Great post Sonia...

You are lucky you get to meet people like these S. And we in turn are lucky to read this blog.

Many thanks. Have a good weekend.

Hello Sonia,

I'm a regular reader of your excellent blog, as well as your writing in Tehelka and want to compliment you on your varied and interesting choice of subjects, as well as your engaging, substantive style.

Enjoyed this piece on Bobby Darling immensely, and wish him success as an actor and happiness as a human being.

Senthil

Enjoyable reading!

Vasundhara

droppen via blogmela..

one of the finest article..
truly inspiring

Lovely!

Great choice of subject yaar. Nicely written as well..

Nice blog. keep up the good work. i sure will regularly be coming back. You can check out my blog
Solomon's voip world devoted to voip technology and internet telephony.

Nice one again,Sonia!!!

Hey Sonia, loved the piece! Very well written. Saw Bobby Darling recently at a Page 3 party & I thought he was really something else... in the west maybe, but for a guy to do what he's done in India, hat's off to him!

Btw, like your place so much, am linking right now :)

nice one!

Some posts are thought provoking, some unforgettable stories and some human experiences. This post is definitely one of them.
Reading this post, I remember one tagline from the movie "American Beauty" 'Look closer'. WE as individuals and human beings have been so used to the artificial world and seeing what meets the eye, that we have stopped looking closer. Every person, every character has a human story. We have the emotions intact to react to such stories, but at the same time cold enough not interested in asking them. We judge people without knowing them. I do not know whether I have respect "Gurs" or not, never come across, feel awkward on the thought, but the story what you have presented is above all this i suppose. Sex and Sexuality is not the key. The struggle for life, the struggle for survival, the struggle for existence (even if it is petty), is what makes this post a great one. Bobby Darling, is a example we all can see, but I wonder about the scores of people who undergo their trysts with life on a daily basis. Who is their voice ?? Who tells their stories ??
Nevertheless, a fascinating read.

Ms. Sonia, U have been eternally gifted with a hand that works hand in hand with your mind. Ur articles are really good and I have a profound and overwhelming sense of happiness and satisfaction reading your articles. I sincierly hope that you continue to enchant us with your articles.

Unnikrishnan G Nair.

Hello,

Suddenly there's a lot to catch up with on your blog!

Great reads. Thank you.

Absolutely touching! Way to go, Bobby!

really gr8 post ! thanks sonia

Hi SOnia,
Some excellent writing there....you've helped in breaking pre-conceived notions about the charcater and maybe in your own small little way helped us all be a little more sensitive.
sheers and keep up the good work

hi bobby your are real great first of all uhae that daring to show your self what u r to world most of persone have face on realface as pirandelo s theaory every person have face and mask but ur realygerat keep it up i am with you and perosonlike u

Great article, Sonia! I've always been curious about the real person behind that sometimes funny, seemingly pathetic Wonderkid called Bobby Darling.

Enjoyed reading this piece.Thanks for sharing.When even parents can't accept the deviance in a child's prefences society is going to take a long time to do it.Your article has certainly started a thought process in my mind.

There's more to a person..than what is actually percieved. Brilliantly written! Kudos Sonia

I don't get this person, he is trash. you never said anything about the episode when he tries to have sex with a model for giving him a job.